Forgive me, my friend
by Zoe Blade
Summary: One has to wonder what he was thinking while this was happening. What is clearly becoming everyone's favorite scene as well as mine; Captain James T. Kirk's final moments. Spoiler alert obviously, character death, of course. My first Star Trek story, so go easy on me
1. Chapter 1

Forgive me, my friend.

* * *

A wave of dizziness hit Jim hard as he staggered towards the ship's warp core. The one thing keeping him going was his determination not to let what Scotty had said be true; _"The ship's dead, sir; she's gone!"_

_No,_ Jim thought, _I'm not going to let that happen! Not to my ship!_

Jim stumbled into the warp core chamber and looked up at the misaligned housings; every now and then, they would faintly glow for a moment, then flicker out.

"Alright," he sighed, "now comes the hard part."

Painstakingly, Jim climbed up towards the core pieces, biting down the occasional wave of nausea that would hit him. Scotty's words echoed in the back of his head as he got closer; _"That door is there to keep us from being irradiated; we'd be dead before we made the climb!"_

"Well, albeit I'm half way there," he grunted as he reached the warp core, "but at least I'm not dead."

Jim grabbed the bar above his head, swung backwards, and kicked the misaligned piece. When nothing happened, he continued to kick it again and again. All the while, two things kept going through his head. The first was something he had told Spock the last time he saw him; that was one of the reasons he was doing this; _"I have no idea what I'm supposed to do; I only know what I can do."_ The second was what he heard Spock say when he was trapped in the volcano; _"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."_ That was the other reason he was doing this. Then finally, with one last kick, the warp core popped back into place, sending out a wave of radiation energy that sent Jim flying backwards into the wall, knocking him out cold. He wasn't sure how long he was out for when he woke up, but even with his vision blurring in and out, he could still tell that the warp core was back in place; his ship was hopefully safe.

"I've gotta get out of here." Jim panted as he began to crawl his way out of the warp core chamber. As he got closer to the exit, he could faintly hear Scotty's voice in the distance.

"Engineering to bridge. Mr. Spock."

"_Mr. Scott?"_ Spock's voice said, undoubtedly over the ship's comm. system.

"Sir…you'd better get down here…better hurry."

_Spock's on his way down._ He thought. _At least I'll be able to have one friendly face to talk to._

Every movement Jim made wreaked havoc on his radiated skin. He could feel his body slowly shutting down as he got closer to the way out, knowing full well that he wouldn't be able to get out, even if he made it. But the thought of seeing his first officer one last time and of what he had to say to him spurred Jim to keep going. As he crawled through the last set of doors before the exit, he looked through the glass and could just make out what looked like an officer arrive wearing an unmistakably blue shirt.

_Looks like I made it just in time._ Jim thought as he leaned his weakened body against the glass, taking a moment to vainly try and catch his breath. When Spock rushed over to the glass door, Jim looked up at him, half expecting his first officer to be looking back at him with disapproval or annoyance as he always did, but instead saw in his face shock and horror.

"Open it." Spock said, looking over, probably at Scotty.

"The decontamination process is not complete; you'd flood the whole compartment." Scotty replied, a clear tone of defeat in his voice. "The door's locked, sir."

_That reminds me…_ Jim thought before readjusting himself so he could close and lock the blast door to accelerate the decontamination process. But he knew it wouldn't help him; he was dead either way. He looked back at Spock, who had crouched down to his level, and asked him the one thing he wanted to know;

"How's our ship…?"

_I may be the captain of this ship,_ he thought, _but Spock's still in charge right now; at the moment, this ship is both of ours…And soon it will be his._

"…Out of danger…" Spock answered, what sounded like despair and regret on his voice.

"…Good…" Jim nodded to the best of his ability

"You saved the crew."

_You say that as if what you did was nothing._ There was no way Jim was going to let that thought stay to himself.

"Y…you used what he wanted against him;" he couldn't help but smirk at his first officer's actions and weakly nod again. "…That was a nice move…"

"It is what you would have done." Spock replied.

"…And this…this is what you would've done…" Spock looked away from him as if wishing it wasn't true. "It was only logical…"

Jim thought he felt a tear slowly fall down his face. Almost immediately he realized why, and upon doing so, he felt his will, his pride, everything that made him who he was, break.

_I don't want to die!_ The second that thought came to him, the one emotion Jim wanted nothing more than to seal away forever boiled over against his control.

"I'm scared, Spock…" He whimpered. "…Help me not be…How do you choose not to feel?"

_If anyone can help me not feel anything in death, it's Spock._ Jim had thought. But when he looked into his first officer's dark brown eyes, he could have sworn he saw something in him break as well before he shook his head slightly.

"…I do not know…" Spock both looked and sounded on the verge of tears. "Right now I am failing…"

Jim could feel his heart beginning to slow down. He knew his death was about to come; but there was still one thing on his mind he had to tell Spock before that happened.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die…" He whispered. "Why I went back for you…" At that moment, Jim's vocal chords had shut down and the answer was stuck in his throat.

"Because you are my friend." Spock answered for him, a single tear falling from his left eye.

…_So you knew all along._ Jim thought. _Which means you really are breaking because of me._ He mustered up his remaining strength and placed his hand on the glass. _I'm sorry, Spock. It's my fault that you're feeling anything right now; I never meant to do this to you…Forgive me, my friend._

At that moment, Spock placed his hand on the opposite side of the glass where Jim's hand was, forming a Vulcan salute. Jim used what little strength he had left to mirror him and weakly smiled.

_Thank you…good bye my friend._ With that last thought, his vision went completely black and all the pain he was in was gone. As he slipped further into the abyss, Jim thought he heard Spock's voice behind him, screaming in the distance one word filled with hatred and rage;

"KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!"

* * *

If you think I'm going to end it there, you're dead wrong (no pun intended). I only did this from Jim's point of view; but what was Spock thinking at the time? Don't worry, you'll find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Forgive me, my friend Ch 2

This is mostly the same scene, but from Spock's point to view (and believe me, writing this was harder than you think). Enjoy

* * *

Spock tried to think of any possible way to stop the Enterprise from being destroyed, but nothing came to him; no matter what action he took, the ship's destruction was inevitable. All he could think of then was the last thing Jim had said to him when he saw him last; _"The Enterprise and her crew need someone in that chair who knows what he's doing…And it's not me…It's you, Spock."_

_If only that were true now._ He thought as he looked around at the officers who had refused to leave, knowing full well that Jim would have somehow found a way to stop this, possibly breaking every Starfleet regulation in doing so. Spock could almost feel the heat from reentry, just like he could feel the heat in the volcano even through his suit; back then, he was prepared for death, and had accepted it, but this time, for some reason, he wasn't as ready or as willing. He braced himself for the end, when suddenly the ship came back to life.

"Warp core's back online." Sulu said.

"Maximum thrusters, Mr. Sulu!" Spock replied instantly.

The ship jerked upward a little just seconds later.

"Thrusters at maximum;" Sulu yelled. "Stand by! Stand by!"

After a frightening moment, the ship finally began its ascent. As the Enterprise rose back into the sky, Spock ran his head through every possible scenario for why the warp core would suddenly come back online, mostly drowning out the voices of the other officers as he did so, and came to an ominous conclusion;

_There is no way the warp core should have reactivated on its own._ The thought left Spock feeling an uncomfortable twist in his stomach.

"It's a miracle." He heard one of the officers say, but Spock knew better.

"There are no such things." He said, half to himself, as he deactivated his safety harness.

_There is something about this I am missing._ Spock thought. _But what?_

At that moment, the ship's comm. system sounded.

"_Engineering to bridge."_ Scotty's voice said, despair thick on his words. _"Mr. Spock."_

"Mr. Scott?"

_Something is not right._ He immediately thought. _Jim should be there with him._

"_Sir…you'd better get down here…better hurry."_

A horrible thought occurred to Spock and instantly, he was sprinting off the bridge, breezing past Uhura in doing so; Scotty didn't tell him where he was, but he had a good idea of where to go. As he ran, Spock could hear the answer his future self had given him when he asked him if he had defeated Khan in his time; _"At great cost…yes."_

_Please,_ Spock thought. _Please, this one time, let me be wrong._

Spock found Scotty exactly where he was afraid he would; near the entrance to the ships warp core, alone. A look of defeat was clear on his face as he grimly shook his head, then slowly looked towards the entrance to the warp core chamber. Because of his sharp Vulcan hearing, Spock could make out the clear and unmistakable sound of someone breathing heavily from behind the glass door. He rushed over and to his horror, found Jim leaning up against the glass. His now pale skin was dulled with a grayish tint, and it was clear from the way he was breathing that his lungs had all but shut down. He looked up at Spock for a moment and he thought he saw the look in his captain's eyes shift from exhaustion to confusion.

_I have to get him out of there._ Was the only thought that went through Spock's mind before he looked back at Scotty, giving him one order;

"Open it."

"The decontamination process is not complete; you'd flood the whole compartment." The defeat in his voice was as clear as it was on his face. "The door's locked, sir."

Forced to agree with him, Spock looked back at Jim for a moment then crouched down to his level as he readjusted himself to close and lock the blast door.

_There must be something that I can do._ Spock thought.

Jim looked back at him; now that he was closer, Spock could see that even his sapphire blue eyes were dulled with a shade of gray.

"How's our ship…?" He breathed.

'_Our ship'?_ Spock thought. _…Of course; I am still the acting captain._

"…Out of danger…" Spock did his best to hold back the emotions he felt, although he made no such attempt to hide it on his voice.

"…Good…" Jim weakly nodded, seeming to take comfort in his answer. Spock realized that was all he could do for his captain now; give him comfort in his last moments.

"You saved the crew."

_But you could not save yourself._ Spock thought. _Just as I cannot save you either._

"Y…you used what he wanted against him;" Jim gave a weak smirk and nodded again. "…That was a nice move…"

"It is what you would have done." Spock replied.

"…And this…this is what you would've done…"

Spock looked away from him, remembering his own words on Nibiru; _"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."_

_You are right; this is what I would have done._ He thought. _If only it were not true. If only I had not said what I had before; perhaps then you would not be here now._

"It was only logical…" Jim continued.

Spock looked back at him and saw a tear slowly roll down his face. Then he saw the willful, strong and playful fire in his eyes vanish and be replaced with the one thing he had hoped never to see in Jim.

"I'm scared, Spock…" He whimpered. "…Help me not be…How do you choose not to feel?"

At that moment, Spock felt every ounce of control he had shatter, along with his stone cold heart.

_He is breaking._ Spock thought. _And he wants me to help make the pain disappear._

Spock could only shake his head slightly; he wanted nothing more than to help Jim not feel anything in death, but a problem emerged that made it impossible;

"…I do not know…" tears began to form in his eyes. "Right now I am failing…"

Spock tried to listen closely for his captain's heart beat and when he did, it was already beginning to slow down; he knew Jim's death was moments away.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die…" He whispered. "Why I went back for you…" At that moment, something happened that left Jim unable to finish, but Spock already knew the answer.

"Because you are my friend." He made no attempt to stop the single tear that fell from his eye.

_I had always suspected that was the reason._ Spock thought. _However I was unable to confirm it until now._ He watched as Jim placed his hand weakly on the glass, then after a moment, placed his hand on the opposite side, forming a Vulcan salute. _I am sorry, Jim. I should have been able to help you not feel; it is my fault you are unable to now…Forgive me, my friend._

At that moment, Jim's hand slowly shifted to mirror his and he weakly smiled at him.

_Thank you, my friend…Farewell._

He watched helplessly as Jim's eyes glazed over and his hand slipped lifelessly down the glass. Grief and sadness overtook Spock at that moment more than ever before, just like the undeniable truth in front of him; his captain, his best friend, was gone. Almost instantly, his grief gave way into hatred and rage that formed itself into one word;

"KHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!"

* * *

And with that, I end this story. Maybe if I let it sit for a while I'll write something else; I think something's already beginning to form.


End file.
